Caged inside Silent Throughout
by Roringugaru
Summary: "Conseal; don't feel" is taken to a whole new level as Emmi battles with herself and her emotions; and with no one to talk to she only seems to be heading down hill. Will her closest friend and secret love be able to help her over come it or is she destined to stay silent for eternity?


**(Songs Emmi sings is Hirari, Hirari by Miku Hatsune English lyrics by savantsean on deviantart and Nonsense speaker English version by JoydreamerJourney on Youtube)**

**A few things to be aware of:**

**Things in only italics is either Emmi's thoughts or part of speech with someone over the phone**

**Things in both bold and italics is the song **

**Personal note: I wanted to try something a bit more serious but at the same time not make a series out of it and this is what I came up with. hope it's good for you guys. Please leave a review if you liked it or have any CONSTRUCTIVE criticism. I've never written anything like this that doesn't have to do with fantasy or adventure so please go easy on me.**

…

**Caged Inside; Silent Throughout**

My name…well don't laugh…it's Emmi. It's stupid I know. I blame my parents; apparently I'm named after my great grand father. I've lived here in the Peach Creek Cul-de-sac since middle school. My mother transferred here to keep me away from my dad. They don't get along…especially since he has a record now. I'm 16 years old and I've just started my freshman year in high school. I didn't like it here at first when I moved here. I had no friends and no one to talk to. I kept to myself and when I did try to talk to the other kids they thought I was weird, probably because I didn't dress normally. My strawberry colored hair is so short that it looks like a boys haircut and instead of green to match my hair I have blue eyes…really blue. Even now I dress like a punk I guess a baggy short sleeved shirt that hangs off my shoulder and baggy jeans torn a bit in some places and a pair of worn tenishoes. I didn't really care what they thought but I wasn't having the best of luck making friends. I was an outcast…I was used to it. However it was a bit different this time around. I was just walking around kicking a can when the three of them came up to me. There's was Eddy the 'leader' of their gang, Edd or as they liked to call him Double D; he was they brains of the operation, and then there was Ed a funny guy who loved video games, comics and had a big heart. It was like it was just a natural thing we became friends right off the bat. We got into trouble ate candy here and there it was just fun and for the first time I felt happy ever since my parents split from each other. I'm not one to show their but around them I could kind of do that. Now we're in high school or rather I guess I should say they're in their sophomore year while I'm just starting off in my freshman year. We see each other from time to time in the hallways, hang out at lunchtime and we still cause a whole heap of trouble here and there. but now I don't feel as happy…I haven't for some time. Since he got a girlfriend now I feel so vulnerable to the world. Sure Double D was always on the physically challenged side but out of the three of them he was the closest and before I realized what was happening I fell for him…hard. My chest would feel so tight every time I saw him smile my way and every time I heard his voice I always felt relaxed. It wasn't hard for Eddy to figure out he was always silently watching trying to cheer me on. I would try to tell Double D how I felt but every time…something came up and before I knew it…he was taken from me… nowadays I pretend, I stay silent…I either draw my emotions out into the open or I find myself singing for some strange reason. I used to love singing but ever since the parents split up I've become silent I wonder sometimes why now…why do I sing my heart out when I'm alone…when no one can see me…when no one can hear me…why is it that this songbird can't sing her feelings to those around her?

…

The bell for homeroom begins to ring as I close my locker and head for my classroom.

"Yo Emmi!" Eddy Shouts as I enter the room. He's got his legs propped up on my desk; he tries dressing like a thug to make himself seem a bit more intimidating seeing as how he's still the shortest in our group. His hair is combed back in a slick way and held there with a pair of sunglasses. His brown eyes always give him away when he has something up his sleeve.

"Hey Emmi." Ed says sitting behind my seat. His Black hair is slightly long but only about to his ears making him look lazy like he usually does. Even though his eyes are brown they seem a bit like honey colored and he always seems so innocent when he's looking at a comic like he is now.

"Hey guys." I look around and find our other group member. "Where's Double D?"

"Dunno he said he had something to talk about with someone this morning."

"Something to talk about…"** it's most likely her…**

"Stop worrying stone face he'll be here…" Eddy says as I let my mind get away with me. I remove Eddy's feet from my desk and take my seat when Edd rushes in. his dark brown hair hangs outside his sock like hat. He doesn't like to show it but his hair is really long and he doesn't want to cut it. it's unusual but his clothes are a bit baggy and he even wears a plaid shirt like a jacket but he somehow still looks smart even in that get up. his green eyes seem to show relief now that he's made it to class. Surprising to me he pierced his left ear thinking it was an adventurous thing to do when he was a freshman.

"Finally…made it…" he heaves as he sits in front of Eddy.

"Heh what took you sock head?" Eddy asks teasingly.

"I had to take care of something important…" he looks over at me and smiles brightly, "Hey Emmi." My heart throbs secretly in my chest and I give a slight smile.

"Hey morning." The teacher suddenly comes into the room. And we all take our seats. Once homeroom starts I see Double D start using his phone. Soon my vibrates in my pocket and I secretly pull it out. It's double D,

_Btw you have bags under your eyes. Make sure you get enough sleep; it could affect the outcome of your academic career. _**Heh same old Double D…he's always been like this. **we secretly continue to text back and forth as homeroom continues. Classes soon start for the day and my first class is art my strongest point. As we work on our projects the time goes by too fast and then the next class I have is math algebra to be more precise. It totally stinks that I'm not the same age as my friends then I would at least have someone to talk to. the stuff here is so easy to understand that it's really hard to pay attention. Finally algebra ends and then another class start that I can afford not to pay attention in it's finally time for lunch. I tend to bring my lunch as I did today and find my way to the cafeteria. Double D flags me down as Ed and Eddy seem to be having their own conversation about something. sitting down I open up my lunch and begin eating.

"That's it Lumpy!"

"Wahhh hahaha!" for some strange reason Eddy starts chasing Ed through the cafeteria and Ed seems to be enjoying it.

"Children…" I say shaking my head as the head out into the hall, "What was it about this time?"

"Something pointless. I wasn't really paying attention." Edd has his glasses on now that he seems to be doing some sort of writing. My heart thumps as he continues what he's doing. **Sigh…do I seriously have it that bad? How long has is been now since I liked him. he's not even my preferred guy type and yet…I've got it this bad. Jeeze Emmi try to cover it up even just a bit…I have to admit though lately he does seem a bit happier than usual. Wonder what's up with him. ** I sit lost in my thoughts while eating my food when he looks up from his books,

"Say Emmi are you ok?"

"hm…yeah why?"

"You seem like you're spacing out."

"Oh yeah I'm fine just lost in my thoughts is all. Hey can I ask you something?"

"Yeah what is it?" I put on a brave face smoothing it over with my cool expression,

"nothing important really just thinking I guess."

"Usually that means you have something psychological going on. what's the matter not getting enough sleep?"

"Yeah I guess…" **he's half right about that but it's not just that…** "My mom is thinking about getting married again…I've never even met the guy."

"One of her…sex friends?"

"must be…although with her job I hardly ever see her so I really couldn't tell." I sip on my drink nonchalantly acting as if it's not a big deal.

"You want to talk about it?" I look him in the eyes; he's taken the glasses off now and I find my barriers starting to fail. My heart pounds in my chest with a horrible beat and I find it suddenly hard to speak. Something hard is forming in my throat I just want to say it to him to shout all my problems and feelings but…

"Double D!" a girls voice comes from across the room when I look it's Marie. Double D gets up with a huge smile on his face and walks over to her. there was a time it wasn't like this. she and her sisters used to drive Double D and the others to the brink of insanity. But as of today they've been going out for about 2 years now. He smiles a lot around her I used to tell myself that it was just because he was being nice but I can no longer tell myself that lie. She's grown her hair out since them letting the bangs hand over her eye. She's got a bit of a grunge look about her too. They share a light kiss in front of me in the distance and it's as if someone has sent a cold dagger through my chest.

"But…your not mine to tell things to anymore…" I say as I look away from the happy couple. I bite my lip repressing all my feelings and emotions that threatened to spill over just from his look before. Eddy and Ed come back jolting me out of my daze.

"Man those two need to get a room…or find a private place at least." Eddy turns to me looking at me with concern, "You ok?"

"Not much can be done I don't plan on trying to break them up or anything. besides…he's happy."

"But you're not." Eddy surprisingly as somehow taken on the personality of being an older brother; I find it weird sometimes since he used to be so self centered. He still is but ever since he started high school he's matured somehow. "You need to just tell him Emmi. Even if he doesn't return your feelings you'll at least get closure."

"…and confuse him in the process…what would be the point in that?"

"But Emmi…you're always sad now." Ed says, "there's a girl in one of my comics who no matter what says what she feels. Maybe you should do that." I shake my head before standing,

"I…I don't have that luxury…I never did…" with that I leave unable to repress myself any more.

School ends for the day and I have art club now to help me relax. As soon as I sit down I start sketching away in my sketch book. It doesn't take me long to come up with a design for the day and I get things together to start painting it. my mind becomes empty as I let the colors flow on the page reds, blues, blacks and yellows. When I'm finished a blue bird wounded and broken sits in a cage surrounded by darkness. Its feathers are ruffled and covered in blood. I'm somewhat surprised at the fact that I made such a depressing painting.

"Wow not bad…" I turn to see a dolled up Nazz as she stares at the painting. She may be the head of the cheer squad but she's still an angel at heart. "it's a bit depressing though… again…" she says with a sad smile,

"…Sorry. My hand kind of took on a mind of it's own."

"Yeah but…lately you've been making a lot of sad and depressing pictures Emmi…is everything ok?"

"Yeah…it's fine." I smile lightly.

"You know you could enter one of your pieces in an art contest. They're really good."

"Thanks…was there something you needed?"

"Oh yeah sorry I know this is last minute but next week I'll be having a party at my house. Everyone is invited; you should come."

"I don't…know…I mean…"

"Aw come on…it will be fun." She gives me a cheerful smile. I sigh before putting on a façade once again,

"Yeah sure…I guess it'll be better than sitting at home."

"Yay! That's great! So…what are you going to call this one?" she points to my finished painting. I stare at it knowing very well that it's me who feels caged and alone,

"Caged Songbird…" I pick up the drying picture and put it on the wrack near by there are different wooden compartments that hold everyone's pictures. After hanging up mine to dry I take out the ones I've finished and look at them all. There's a pastel crayon picture of a faceless girl being held by someone; just looking at the colors you can tell she's filled with comfort hand feels safe from the things that would hurt her. her hair hides her face but the smile that is revealed is one of happiness. I had named it father and child but it was really me drawing a subconscious memory of how things used to be before Edd started dating Marie. My friends were the one good thing in my messed up life but Edd was special. Then a sketch of an angle is next broken wings; she feels sad and alone. The blue petals that rain down around her give a sense of loneliness and everything is dead. The light that does shine through is lacking in the brightness of normal sunlight the color seems to have been sapped from it.

_this was after they started dating; I had Eddy and Ed but Double D was the only one I could talk to about anything. once he started dating her; it almost felt as though he didn't have any time for us anymore. Eventually we talked to him about it but he doesn't talk to me like he used to any more. like today…once she came he completely forgot about me…_

I keep flipping through all the pictured I've made; some of them resemble something from my childhood from the time my parents split from each other, my mother not even caring how I felt about any of it. how I couldn't even talk to my father the whole time since my mother forbade me when she was around everything even up until now. I can't tell anyone how I feel; I have no one to talk to about anything. art is the only way I can express how it all happened. I sigh before I put the various drawings back in the compartment.

_There's no point in dwelling on the past…things happen and you can't change them. if he wants to be with her then…let him be happy. _

…

I get home and text my father at least that I'm home. He may be far away but at least he still cares. I head into the kitchen and find a note on the fridge.

"Emmi visiting a friend tonight for work be home tomorrow…money for pizza in the bread box. right…you say you're getting married and you still sleep a round…some wife you'll be…" I take the money from the box and instead head out to the convenience store. I buy some healthier choices to eat and head back outside. My cellphone rings as I walk back home.

"Hello?"

"_Hey Emmi, how are you?"_

"Hey dad…" hearing his voice gives me some sort of comfort and I find myself smiling.

"_Where are you right now?"_

"…Out…getting something to eat…" he sighs

"_And your mother…?"_

"…out…with a friend…" I don't really have to explain it; he already knows. He's seen it.

"_I see…so how are you?"_

"I'm ok. I'm used to her leaving me alone in the house. So what's up; how's your girlfriend, Hanna right?"

"_She's fine…she just finished a big project not too long ago for work."_ he pauses for a moment, _ "Emmi listen… about you coming down for the summer…"_ I stop in my tracks _"I don't think I'll be able to afford the ticket for you to fly out here." _

"…You…did this twice already dad…first on thanksgiving and then Christmas."

"_I know…I'm sorry but I promise the next holiday you'll be able to come down. it's just that right now things are too-"_

"Tied up?" _it's not that…I already know. It's his girlfriend; she wants me out of the picture. she's telling him things to manipulate you isn't she? I don't blame you after what mom did to you…but…but…_

"Emmi…you still there?" I take a deep breath.

"Don't worry about it; next time right?" I smile as if I'm actually talking to him face to face and pretend to sound cheerful so not to worry him. it's quiet for a long moment before he decides to speak,

"_Yeah next time for sure…I'm sorry but I'm still at work I was just calling to tell you that." _

"…ok, good luck at work." I go to press the end call button when I hear him say,

"_I love you kiddo."_ My body flinches at the phrase as if I'm frozen. A lump forms in my throat as I try to keep calm. _"You know that right?"_

"Yeah…I know…bye dad." I hang up my body shaking, " I don't blame you for being afraid of losing her…but what about me? if you love me why are you avoiding me… if you love me…then don't lie to my face…" I've had enough by now and I walk aimlessly in the night as things start to pile up in my mind. It's time like these that I wish I could just talk to him right now.

_I just need you…hear your voice…_

Half consciously I pull out my phone and pull up Double D's number. Slowly but surely I press dial; the ring tone sounds so loud in my ear as I focus on it. someone picks up.

"_Hello?"_ relief fills my every being as I smile to myself,

"Double D…hey um…"

"_Emmi what's up? You're voice sounds weird."_

"I-"

"_Edd hurry up! we're next on the ride!" _all of a sudden I hear Marie on the other side calling out to him. a cruel reality sets in that I had nearly forgotten. _That's right…he…he only sees her…he…he doesn't have time for me anymore…that's right all of his time that he used to devote to me and the others is hers now…_

"_Ok just a moment please…hey sorry Emmi but can it wait until tomorrow? I'm out with Marie right now." _ My lips press together as I try to suppress my emotions. "_Emmi?"_

"Don't worry about me; I'm fine…I just wanted to talk but I can call the guys…have fun." I quickly hang up so I don't lose it. _I can't depend on him…I don't have the luxury of saying how I feel…no I don't have that right…I never did…_ as I think to myself my legs carry me away farther from home until I somehow end up at a cliff with a view of the moon and forest below. The only place I seem to be able to longer hungry I set my bag of food down and walk over to the edge. Look up at the moon feeling almost dead inside. I don't understand it myself but when I feel like this I go off on my own and start singing. I used to love singing as a little girl but now I hate it but it's like my body has a mind of its own and I start singing almost as if I'm shouting as loud as I can as if something is trying to escape but it can't. it's like it's torture but at the same time it seems to help me keep my sanity. once again my mouth opens on its own and I inhale as much as I can.

_**When the seasons change their flow to a spin,  
When the links start to wear, slowly within,  
Please, don't ever let those ties begin to tear,  
Or lose them to the wind…!**_

For some strange reason the hard lump I had been suppressing this entire time finally shatters and tears start to pour down my face. _I hate this! I HATE this torture!__****_

Weighed down by the words I could not let myself forget,  
They would fill me with deep regret, when  
I began to drift peacefully through a soothing fantasy,  
Then awoke to discover you had disappeared!  
_Can't someone hear me?! the sad songbird crying out for freedom! Someone anyone! Please!__**  
Tying up the appearance I wanted to embrace,  
Softly scattering colors of orange without a trace,  
Carving pain through my heart which was now an empty space, it's**_

Fluttering, Fluttering, Fluttering,

To the sky, to the sea or to someplace far away,  
I'd try, to deliver a lasting bond that time couldn't fray,  
But instead, all the colors of the ties that we have made, are…! 

my voice suddenly catches in my throat as I am forced to choke out the last few words of the song that seems to be possessing me.

_WHY?! WHY?! Why can't I be happy too!__****_

Fluttering and Fluttering away!

the last of the song fades into the night as I continue to cry; my knees give out on me as I try to compose myself but instead I sit and cry as much as possible. Someone suddenly leans against me making me jolt. When I turn I see Eddy's back and he shows not sign of turning around.

"You're so noisy stone face…I could hear you all the way from the cul-de-sac…" his words are harsh but his tone is gentle. I turn back around and continue to cry hiding my face in my knees. "Damn it Double D…this is supposed to be your job…you really are thick headed for someone so smart." The "brotherly" Eddy continues to talk to himself as if he's scolding Edd giving me time to myself.

…

it's been a few days since the night everything happened. It kind of feels like it used to with all of us walking to school together even for once Double D is with us too. He walks by me as the others chat when Ed gets my attention. He puts me in a choke hold and gives me a noogie for some reason.

"Ak…Ed! what the hell are you doing?!"

"I heard; I heard!"

"Heard what?" I manage to get myself out of his grip.

"Your art! I heard the teacher is planning on putting some of it out so people can see it!"

"Oh that's right…I forgot about that." I say remembering the conversation.

"that's totally cool Emmi!" Eddy says

"That's wonderful Emmi! Your art's always interesting." Double Ds coment makes me blush slightly,

"Thanks you guys but it's not like it's that great. Art is just a hobby for me."

"But you're really good." His encouraging words only seem to hurt for some reason. _Is he just saying that to be nice now or…_

"So…have you guys made a choice as to whether you're going to Nazz's party?" I try to change the subject.

"Why is it that whenever the conversation is about you you always try to change it?" Double D ruffles my hair like I'm his sister or something and I'm not too sure how to feel about it. part of me likes it since it feels like the old times in some small way but then part of me hates it since he doesn't see me in any other way.

"double D quit treating her like a child would you?"

"What's wrong with you Eddy? Heh are you jealous that you can't pet her?" Double D tries to joke but it only seems to piss him off. Double D seems to remember something "Oh right I need to go meet Marie before classes; I'll see you guys later." Double D starts to walk off.

"You really are stupid some times you know that?" we all stop sensing the tension in the air.

"Excuse me but what did I do to deserve such hostility this morning?"

"You and your love sick attitude that's what! Not everyone here wants to hear about you and your sick little puppy love!"

"What does Marie have anything to do with this?!"

"EVERYTHING but as smart as you are you're just to thick headed to see it!" Eddy Jerks at Edd's cap sharply before storming off. _It's because of me… I'm messing things up for everyone… _I quickly chase after Eddy.

"Eddy. Eddy stop!" I grab hold of his arm stopping him from walking off, "Why did you say that back there?"

"Because stone face he needed to be told it since he's too dense to even see the fact that he's hurting you." I fold my arms,

"That doesn't mean you have to shout at him…why is it that it upsets you so much?"

"Marie ain't the kind of girl he thinks she is ok?"

"What does that mean?" he pulls out his phone and shows me a photo. In it there's Marie and the School Jock Kevin smack dab in the middle of doing it. I can feel the color drain from my face as I look at the very thing that could crumble Double D's world. I take a deep breath,

"When was this taken?"

"Couple of weeks ago…" I bite my lower lip, "You know now so what are you going to do?" he asks as he puts his phone away.

"What do you mean?"

"This is your chance to expose that girl for what she really is…! you could get a chance at your own happiness with Double D. I'd rather see you two together anyway than him with Marie!"

_he's right…I can get Double D back with this…the one person who always listens to me…the one person who for some strange reason I'm able to be open with. I can get him back by exposing his so called girlfriend with this...! I could finally have some shred of happiness again…but what about him? he would be hurt…instead of happiness he would be miserable…and hurt…and in pain…_

"Erase it Eddy…" I say with a blank expression.

"What?"

"Erase that picture…"

"Are you kidding me! Why?! She deserves to be exposed!"

"if we do expose her Double D will only end up hurt…it will be him that will be hurt…ruining his relationship isn't worth that."

"That's crazy, he's going to get hurt when he finds out the hard way! What if he ends up walking in on them one day or something?!"

"…I'm not going to be the one to take away his happiness."

"What about yours?!"

"…I'm fine…"

"I hate it when you do that." I look away from him. "You always hide your emotions when it really matters; you think Ed and I haven't noticed?! You've been getting worse ever since Double D started dating her. you try hiding your problems and make it seem like everything is ok behind that stupid mask you have on right now saying it no problem or it's ok or I'm fine! meanwhile he's not even aware that you need someone to talk to because he's love sick! I've seen it Emmi; I saw the other day when you couldn't talk to him over the phone because he was too busy with his girlfriend to even talk to you for a second! Never mind the fact that you have feelings for Edd he's neglecting you as a friend too!"

"…if that's what makes him happy…then that's fine…I've dealt with…my problems on my own before…he doesn't need to…coddle me…"

"No you HIDE your problems! And depending on someone like you did Double D, that isn't coddling; it what friends are supposed to do!" I stand there letting his words echo in my head but I pay no mind to their meaning. I look him in the eye again,

"Erase the picture Eddy…" Eddy presses some buttons on his phone before he shows me the screen. In front of the terrible picture there's a question asking if the picture should be deleted. I press yes and the picture disappears. With that he puts his phone back in his pocket.

"There satisfied?" with that he walks away heading off alone to cool off. I watch him until he disappears from my sight. My chest tightens at remembering his words when my phone rings in my pocket. Opening it there's a message in my texts from Eddy. When I open it it's the picture I just asked him to delete with one message

"_Think about yourself for once."_

_Think about myself… I don't have that luxury._

…

After school I'm getting ready to head for art club when I catch a glimpse of Marie and her sisters heading into the bathroom. The conversation I had with Eddy this morning replays in my head. For some strange reason I get the urge to follow them. when I open the door I can hear them laughing and giggling about things.

"I can't believe you're still with that dork Marie." I hear Lee say.

"Yeah I thought you and Kevin-"

"Wait. Please you guys that's so not true! I love Double D." the two sisters squeal with happiness as I feel my face flush with anger. My teeth clench tightly together,

_if you love him…then why are you going behind his back?! If you really cared about him you wouldn't hurt or betray his trust like this! _ I feel as though I need to say something to her so I take my phone out and pull up the picture before heading into the bathroom with them. the three of them stop their conversation and laughter when they notice me.

"Hey lookie here; it's stone face!" Lee says her curly hair getting in her eyes.

"Hey Emmi how's Ed doing?" may asks but I ignore the both of them and look straight at Marie.

"I need to talk to you."

"Oh ok what's up?"

"I need to talk to you alone…about Double D." I look at her sisters silently asking them to leave.

"c'mon May…let's give 'em a minute. we'll see you at home Marie." The two of them leave Lee catching on to the seriousness of the conversation. Once the bathroom door closes I lock it to make sure no one will come in and disturb us.

"What is it? is something wrong with Edd?" the innocence in her voice irritates me.

"I wonder about that. Marie how long have you been together with Double D?"

"For a little over two years…why?" I show her my phone with the picture of her and Kevin. He face turns pale as she looks at me. "H-how did you…?"

"I wasn't the one spying; let's just say a concerned friend caught you in the act by chance." She looks down as if ashamed. "How long?" I ask wanting to know everything.

"About…a year now…"

"So ever since your freshman year?"

"Yes…"

"Have you done it with Double D too…?"

"…No."

"Do you even realize what your doing behind his back like this?" I say in a low voice nearly losing my patience,

"I'm sorry I…"

"Do you even like Double D; or is the relationship with Kevin just Physical?"

"N-No I- I didn't mean for this to get so- oh man…I like Double D but it's- things have changed. I know Kevin doesn't seem like it but he's a nice guy…"

"And Edd isn't?"

"that's not…what I meant…he is very kind."

"Then what is it? why would you do this?"

"I like Double D…but…"

"You like Kevin more…" he eyes widen as I hit the nail on the head. She opens her mouth in a panic "You don't have to give me any excuses Marie…I'm not going to hurt Double D by telling him." she seems confused by my words as I watch her shoulders relax. I show her the picture once more before deleting it in front of her.

"W-why are you?"

"The way I see it you have two choices. You can end things with Kevin and stay with Double D and forget your feelings for Kevin or you can stop betraying Double D and explain to him that you found someone else; I'm sure he'll be understanding about it and yes he will be hurt; but anything is better than what your doing right now." With that I turn to leave.

"You could have just gone to him and told him about this…you like him right? You could have easily taken him from me with this."

"what good would that do if it meant hurting him in the process?" with that I leave.

Art club is in full swing and once again I feel myself half consciously drawing again. this time it seems to be shaping up to be a heart being pulled in two directions. I hate looking at it so I throw it away.

_No…something else…draw something else; pains something else anything but what's in my heart right now. _But no matter what I do I can't seem to come up with anything else. It seems to turn out to be something I'm trying to hide in my heart. So I let my hands do what they want until the painting turns out to be that of a monochromatic scheme of a girl standing by herself in the rain as she holds something in her hands. Something crumpled and broken, her heart is what she's holding. My phone rings and I look at the screen.

"Double D?"

"Emmi, where are you right now?"

"Art club… or rather the art room…the club ended a bit ago."

"I need to talk to you."

"Ok…is something wrong? You sound different?"

"I'll be there in a few moments." He hangs up after he replies rather coldly. I take down my picture and put it up to dry and try focusing on something else as I try to use bright colors. I close my eyes starting to remember the old days. I remember the alone time I had with Double D when we were younger and dip my paintbrush into the paint. In a daze I continue to paint the picture before I stop. When I look there's a young girl and boy sitting in a sunlit green field. Her red hair is hiding her face but her smile is genuine and happy as she sits back to back of the boy in the sock like hat. His face is hidden as well but the boy seems happy too. It's only half way finished with very little detail but I can almost see this happening again. I reach out to the precious memory before me just touching it with the tip of my finger. It's as if the warmth I used to feel back then is seeping into my mind, body and soul. I feel my lips curve up as a smile begins to form on my face when I hear someone come in. when I turn I see Double D. he seems to be in a slightly bad mood judging from the look on his face.

"Hey." I say smiling slightly but the look he gives me is one of anger. My blood feels ice cold from that look. "Is everything ok?"

"I'm fine." he comes over and stares at the painting, "that's nice…I find the colors to be very refreshing. What's this one going to be named?"

"Dunno…I haven't finished it yet."

"I just finished talking with Marie…" he finally says after we stare at the picture for a while; my body sort of freezes at his words.

"Really? Usually that puts you in a good mood…"

"She told me she's been seeing someone else for a while now…behind my back." _So she told him…at least she made a choice instead of keeping it hidden from him. but why does he seem so mad?_

"I'm sorry to hear that."

"Are you?" his question makes me look at him and I meet a cold gaze,

"Why wouldn't I be?"

"She told me you found out about it, and that you coerced her into telling me." _what…I didn't force her to do anything…_

"I did talk to her but I didn't-"

"She told me you had a picture of her with Kevin. That you showed it to her and told her to make a choice."

"I did but-"

"Let me see it!" he demands,

"I-I don't have it…"

"What?"

"I…erased it in front of her so she wouldn't think I was blackmailing her or anything…I…it was her choice to make…I mean…"

"You had no right…" he looks away,

"Edd I…"

"you had no right to talk to her about it!"

"I…I didn't want to see you get hurt…I wasn't trying to interfere…"

"You shouldn't have said anything to begin with Emmi!" _don't look at me like that…_ "If you didn't want me hurt you should have stayed out of it! What kind of friend goes behind someones back and does this?!" _ please don't look like you're going to cry…that wasn't my intention…why did she make it sound like I'm the one at fault? Did she not want me to go for him if she couldn't have him? _"I…didn't think you were capable of this…!"

"Lay off Double D!" we turn to see Eddy and Ed standing there. Eddy stares as Edd angrily while Ed looks back and forth between us uncertain of what to do. "If you want to take your anger out on anyone it should be me. I'm the one who took the picture Emmi wanted it gone. She probably talked to Marie to prevent you from being hurt any worse than what you are right now."

"No one Asked you Eddy! Stay out of it!"

"Not a Chance Bro! It's time to face facts Marie just wasn't right for you. But that doesn't mean you can just take anything out on Emmi."

"What did you…What the HELL do you know?! You've never even been in a relationship Eddy! How would you know about any of this; and who told you to send the picture to her in the first place!"

"No one…I did that of my own free will; I was hoping Emmi would use it to help herself but instead she was the bigger man in this situation and used it to help you out of a messy situation. I honestly respect her for it; she did better than what I would have done."

"Eddy Stop." I say, "This isn't helping anything."

"Y-yeah c'mon guys don't start fighting each other…!" Ed says looking worried.

"Shut up both of you he needs to hear this." Eddy says, before he turns back to Double D, "Look Bro, as much as you don't want to hear this, I think Emmi made the right choice in telling Marie off; I also think it was for the better that you two broke up."

"What did you say?!"

"Ever since you started going out with her you've become a love sick puppy! We hardly ever see you that much and you neglect your friends when they need you the most. She was practically all you ever thought about and it just kept getting worse!"

"that's not true!"

"Really? When was the last time you actually sat down and talked to one of us about anything? when was the last time you had a conversation with us that didn't have anything to do with Marie? When was the last time you actually listened to Emmi?!"

"What the Hell does that have to-"

"Emmi's Dad Called and canceled on her again for a third time to visit, did you know that? Did you know that even though her mom is getting married that she still leaves Emmi at home alone!? Did you know that because you're so wrapped up in your love affair she feels like she has to keep everything to herself?! we all are friends Double D but the only person that she seems to be able to vent anything to is you! Bet ever since you started rolling with Marie You've turned a blind eye to that!"

"SO WHAT!" Double D shouts. "SO what about any of that?! Those are her problems NOT MINE! I don't need her coming to me like some lost little puppy looking of attention; let her deal with them on her own! She has her own life and I have mine and thanks to her mine is ruined!" it's so quiet that it's as if time is standing still. Then in an instant Eddy makes his way over to double D and slams a fist into his face.

"Eddy Stop!" Ed comes over and hold him back before Eddy has a chance to hit Double D again.

"You son of a- I'm gonna tare you to shreds! What the hell Is your problem!?" Double D sits on the ground rubbing the red mark on his face his lip bleeding. Everyone seems to go silent as I move first I help Double D up without even looking him in the eye once. Then I go over and take down the painting and look at it for a moment. What was just giving me a sense of happiness earlier is now causing my heart to twist in pain; I can no longer look at this as a fond memory as I once did. I take the unfinished painting and crumple it up as much as possible,

_burry it…I have to burry it with all the other happy memories to…I don't deserve to remember any of it…_

"Emmi?!"

"Hey what the heck are you doing Stone face?!" Double D says nothing but I can feel his gaze on me.

"it was just a test run anyway…I was just trying something different…it's no big deal." I let the crumpled paper drop to the floor and grab my back pack. "I have things to do…"

"E-Emmi?" I don't turn around but I stop when I hear Double D,

"I'm sorry Double D…I won't come near you ever again…that way I don't ruin your life any more than I have." I turn and smile before leaving the three in the art room. I run into Nazz. On the way out of the room.

"Ah Emmi hey I was just coming to talk to you about…hey…what's wrong? Why are you Cry-" I don't let her finish her sentence as I race out of the school. "Emmi?!" I keep running as fast as my legs can carry me until I reach the cliff. The second I reach it my body feels possessed as the song comes from deep inside me.

_**Emotions I feel they turn to none  
I broke, I broke, them one by one  
The smile that I had through all these years  
It bears, it bears, these hateful tears**_

The words just flow out of my mouth as I scream them out loud. It's as if I'm begging to be put out of my misery. I know I hate singing but I can't seem to stop myself.

_**The scars that I have I gulped although  
They hurt, they hurt, but you won't know  
And if it is true you should admit  
You didn't notice it**_

_****__It Hurts…! It hurts!_

_**Words you say that we can't see  
They hit and they are killing me  
You don't know how I feel inside  
You don't know just how much I tried  
Light that burned it's out by now  
I try to get it back somehow  
The "I" it slowly turned the "me" into what is "lies"!**_

My body collapses on me and I sob as hard as I can.

_My throat hurts…it's so raw…why, why does it feel like this? why does my body feel so heavy? Stop crying you idiot…you don't have the luxury of showing how you feel! This is nothing…I'll just burry it like everything else._

Something cold falls on my head and when I look up rain suddenly pours down on me; it's as if the sky is trying to cry for me since I can't allow myself to do it.

…

four days have passed since the whole incident in the art room and true to my word I have been doing everything I can to stay away from Double D. Eddy and Double D don't seem to be talking since they're still mad at each other so lately our group is split into two. Ed and Double D and me and Eddy. It seems to be the best thing right now until everything calms down.

"I'm sorry…" I say as I comb my hair while Eddy waits for me to finish getting ready to go to Nazz's party.

"Why the hell are you apologizing?"

"You and Double D…you're fighting because of me…right?"

"No that ain't your fault…it's between Edd and me. I said what he needed to hear he's pissed because he didn't want to hear it. if anything I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I told you to hurt them in order to make yourself happy for one thing and two we shouldn't have had that conversation with you in the room; Double D may not have said what he did if we were somewhere else." My heart pangs at the memory but I ignore it,

"Don't worry about it. let's just go to Nazz's party and have some fun…" I'm wearing almost all black with a few colored accessories here and there and a clip in my hair to keep my bangs out of my face but that's about it. we head downstairs as I turn off the lights,

"Whe was the last time your mom was home?"

"about two weeks ago…something about a business trip…let's not talk about that though." Crickets chirp as we walk quietly on our way to Nazz's house. Eddy has his hands shoved in his pockets while I look at the ground half lost in thought.

"I think…he regrets what he said though." Eddy says making me look up, "Double D…he's been watching you like he's trying to find the right time to approach you or something…but it's like he gets cold feet in the end. Ed says he's often spacing out when doing homework too, like he's thinking about something." I don't really know what to think when hearing that so I remain quiet, "Can't you just talk to him?"

"…we're almost there…" I say slightly picking up my pace to end the conversation. _Don't think about it…it doesn't mean anything…_

inside everyone is there and the music is loud as ever with people dancing drinking and having fun. I spot Kevin and Marie talking to each other off in the distance holding hands looking happy and then Double D and Ed having their own conversation.

"I'm going to grab some food." Eddy shout over the music leaving me alone and I start to walk around aimlessly feeling slightly out of place. Looking around I find Sarah and Jimmy having fun on their own as they play a game of patty cake, Rolf is doing some sort of weird dance from his home land and Jonny and plank are grooving to the music like theirs no tomorrow. I stand in a corner out of the way enjoying the music as it reverberates throughout the room.

"Emmi Glad you could make it!" Nazz comes up to me; "Hey um about the other day are you ok?"

"Yeah don't worry…nice party." I smile slightly trying to throw her off.

"thanks it was a lot of work but seeing everyone having fun is all worth it." the song suddenly changes to an upbeat song, " oh I love this song; come on let's go dance!" he pulls on my arm

"But Nazz- I don't know how to-!"

"Oh don't be so shy it's easy. Just feel the beat of the music!" she pulls me out onto the dance floor and starts dancing. I awkwardly start to move my body not sure of what to do. "Come on Emmi you can do better than that! Just feel the beat!" Nazz says as she twirls around gracefully her long blond hair following her. taking her advice I listen to the sound of the music and try dancing to it. with time it gets a bit better each song until it's at least decent.

"Go Emmi!" I hear Ed shout from somewhere making me freeze. I can feel myself blush slightly but manage to keep going until I turn and my eyes meet with Double D off in the Distance watching me. he doesn't seem angry but for some strange reason his looking at me is too much and in a panic I make my way through the crowd of people to the other side of the room. Hoping to get away from the awkwardness I head off to get something to eat. There seems to be a few things I can choose from but I pick the simplest things out of all the food and grab a cup of water since I can't help but think there's something in the punch. I find a corner again and eat my food while occasionally taking a sip of water. once I finish I stay at my perch watching people again as they have fun. I sense someone watching me from the side and I look to see Kevin for some strange reason. His hair pulled back in a horsetail he's dressed up like a basketball player. I've never really liked him but then again the feeling is mutual towards the four of us so I'm not entirely sure as to why he's near me.

"You actually look like you tried to look like a girl today." He says but I don't reply only stare out at the dance floor, "Mind if we go out back and talk?"

"Knowing you, you have something planned…don't think I will."

"relax dorkett I just need to talk to you about what happened with Marie and Double D…" I turn my gaze to him. the look on his face says he's serious so I follow him out back. The music is so loud that we can faintly hear it from out back. The night breeze feels cool on my slightly sweaty skin. Kevin fumbles in his pockets as he pull something out.

"Should an athlete like you really be smoking?" I say as he lights it.

"once ain't gonna kill me…just don't tell my folks about it…"

"What's the point in being a tattle tale?" it goes quiet again as he puffs away before he speaks again.

"You look like crap…"

"I thought this was about Double D and Marie."

"Yeah it is…I just wanted to say that I do actually like her…I may not like the geek but I'm not proud of how we went behind his back. No man should have to go through that."

"I'm not the one you should be telling this to…"

"I already did; trust me I got a point in telling you all this so just shut up and listen." I don't really like his comment but I say nothing in protest only stare out into the darkness, "For the record Marie was confused about what to do…I wanted to make things easier on her it was my idea that she started cheating in the first place so don't blame her for that…" he take a puff of his smoke, "also…she told me about how you deleted the picture of us in front of her and basically told her to make a choice and all that…I gotta say that was pretty righteous of you. You could have easily just forced her to tell double Dork and you didn't."

"You said you had a point in telling me all this…make it so I can get back already…"

"I don't like getting' something at the expense of someone else…"

"Come again…"

"…it's obvious that you like him so just get over this whole thing with telling Marie off already and go get him."

"I can't."

"Why not?"

"He blames me for what happened…I don't have any right to go to him."

"That was the hurt talking…"

"No it wasn't…" I turn to head back inside,

"Just talk to him Dorkett." He calls behind me and I head back inside. The noise is getting to be too much and I can't seem to find a place to hide out in the open so I half mindedly open a door that leads into darkness and close it. I pull my phone out and find myself in a coat closet. The noise outside sounds muffled and far away from in hear and I feel like I've disappeared from existence. My shoes suddenly feel too tight and I take them off; with a sigh I kneel down hugging my knees to my chest hoping to get just a bit of silence in here for a moment or two. the door suddenly opens and someone comes in closing the door behind them. it's too dark to see their face but I can feel them staring at me. I put my head back down on my knees allowing them to stand there quietly,

_eventually they'll lose interest... I just want to disappear for now…if I could then maybe he could move on…_

"Emmi…" my head snaps up at the voice I head; every thing that has been happening in my life recently starts to rise from within my mind. My body tenses as I continue to feel his presence.

_Why is Double D in here? This is just a coincidence…he's probably still angry at me…just forget…forget it all…_

I place my head back on my knees not answering him.

_I have no right to answer him…I have no right to anything not after what I did…_

"Emmi…that's you isn't it?"

"What are…you doing in here…" I hesitantly ask him.

"…Trying to find you…" my body twitches at the statement. A dim light glows in the small room and I can hear the movement of clothes as he comes closer. "Emmi…please I just-" my body tenses as he lays a hand on my shoulder.

_No… why are you…don't touch me…! if you hate me don't act so…kind to me! you hate me! so hate me! _

He takes his hand away noticing my shivers and sits down next to me.

"Why are you in this closet?"

"The noise…I needed a break…"

"You never did really like big crowds for too long…"

_why do you sound so gentle? I'm the one who ruined your life right? Please stop…_

"What…about you…?" I ask trying to maintain my composure on the inside not allowing him to see my maskless face.

"Like I said I was trying to find you…" the air feels so think it's almost impossible to breathe as it stays quiet "Emmi is it true that your father, he…"

_Why are you…why are you asking me now? Do you pitty me? is that why you've been looking for me…? I…I don't deserve it…_

"It's not a big deal." I try to laugh it off.

"Emmi…" he takes a deep breath, "What about your mother?" he places a firm grip on my shoulders and shakes me.

_I don't deserve you sympathy…! Please just leave me alone! _

"Emmi you can talk to me; please just tell me. tell me anything just like before." He shakes my shoulders again. the lump in my throat returns and it feels as if I am going to start singing again at any time.

_I don't deserve you Sympathy…I don't deserve your friendship! I don't have that luxury! I don't deserve to be Happy! _

I stand grabbing my shoes and grab the handle of the door.

"Emmi…!" I stop for a moment waiting for him to say what he wants to say, "I'm…I'm sorry for what I said that day. I didn't mean any of it. I was just mad and hurt…but I did something terrible and I'm sorry."

_Why? Why are you apologizing to me?_

"double D. You don't have to apologize to me; you don't have to worry. I'm fine." I turn to him smiling as best I can. "You don't have to coddle me like you did before…" I turn the door knob and leave the closet,

"Emmi Wait!" I run as fast as my legs can carry me; my eyes blur with tears as I continue to run. I didn't even bother to put my shoes back on it's like I have a one track mind. I don't understand myself when I'm like this.

_why do I feel the need to come out here to this cliff when I can't burry everything inside? Why do I feel the urge to sing when I am hear? Why can't I stop myself? _

"EMMI!" I hear Edd's vice behind me as I run on.

"Leave me alone! You don't need to force yourself to be around me!" I shout back at him.

"I'm not forcing anything!" I run through the forest but he manages to keep up with me. "Emmi Stop; just listen to me!"

"Why?! you should be mad at me! You have every right to be mad at me! I'm fine on my own!"

"I'm not fine with you being alone; You shouldn't have to be! Emmi, please slow down!" even though he's a bit more active than what he used to be Double D is still no athlete.

"I ruined you life! You have every right to hate me!" suddenly my left foot doesn't catch any ground and I feel myself falling forward.

"EMMI! RAAHHH!" Double D's cry echoes out into the distance. With my eyes closed shut I feel a strong grip on my arm shaking. When I open my eyes I look up to see Double D struggling to keep a good grip on my arm as I dangle over the side of the cliff. He braces himself with his feet and grabs hold of my arm with both hands and pulls me up. once he's pulled me up he holds me tightly in his arms. "You didn't ruin anything…I don't hate you. If anything I hate myself for not realizing that what Eddy said was true." A gentle hand rests on the back of my head, "You've been holding everything in for so long and yet…I didn't even take a second to realize you were suffering so much. I got so caught up in all the crap with Marie and then…"

"You don't have to Make excuses!" I say trying to pull away from him, "I don't deserve any of your sympathy!"

"That's not true! I'm not making excuses Emmi! I was the one person you could always come to when you were feeling like this; but I took your consideration for others for such granted that I ended up leaving you behind." His grip around me grows tighter. "Nazz showed me all the things you've been drawing…the pictures and paintings."

"!"

"they were all the feelings you couldn't get out…that's why you come up here to this cliff too right?" Eddy told me about that as well you come up here and sing as if your trying to call out for help or begging to be put out of your misery." His voice sounds so strained as he talks, "I don't want you to feel like that anymore…I want to be here for you Emmi." He pulls away from me and for a second I feel as though I'm imagining things as he presses his lips to mine. "do you understand now…I'm the one person you can come crying to; I'm the only person you can show your true self to…and I want to be that person. I want to go back to how it was like in that picture Emmi…the one you crumpled up. I want to see you smiling again…I want to be the one who makes you smiling like that again. so please Emmi Cry as much as you need to right now…" tears automatically stream down my face as if a damn had burst wide open, the feelings that I had tried to keep buried inside myself suddenly come forward; the lump in my throat at seemed to block everything and keep it inside seems to break no shatter as I let out all the pain I had been feeling the entire two years I could say anything. I feel stupid sounding like I child crying for comfort from a small cut but as I lay my head on his chest and he wrapped his arms around me lovingly I knew it was ok.

...

Double D came back with me to my home; he did the uncharacteristic and actually lied to his parents saying he was staying with Eddy tonight.

"you and Eddy made up?" I ask rubbing a puffy eye.

"Yes we came to an understanding; although I wish he hadn't had to punch me…" I can still make out the bruise on his cheek as he gets a cold wet cloth and brings it over to me, "here…place this over your eyes." I do as told and lay on the couch with a sigh.

"Hey Double D…can I ask you something?" he lifts my legs up and sits down allowing me to use him as a leg rest.

"Yes?"

"Back there…on the cliff…all that stuff you said…and that kiss…does that mean that you…love me?" it's silent for a long time and then,

"It's funny…when I first started dating Marie I thought I was in love but it was strange. I couldn't get past just a simple kiss with her."

"you guys kissed all the time whenever I saw you."

"that was only ever on the cheek or forehead…I could never actually bring myself to kiss her for real; and whenever she did ask me as to why…I would tell a white lie and say because I wanted to cherish her. I didn't want to rush into things. But I think I was so sure that I loved Marie that I forced myself to believe it…I fooled myself" although I can't see him I try to give him my full attention. "but it's not the same now…my hearts race just being like this with you Emmi…I didn't hesitate to kiss you earlier. I believe now that what I am feeling may be love…"

"What does that mean?" I smile trying not to laugh at his way of phrasing it,

"Pardon my language but I couldn't even kiss Marie let alone have sex with her."

"Say wha…?" I lift the cloth from over my eyes and peek at Double D red faced from his last statement. "that was…unusually bold of you…"

"It's the truth…"

"Wah…!" he moves taking hold of the cold cloth and placing it over my eyes so I can't see.

"Right now I…I'm finding it very hard to maintain my composure with you."

"Double D…" his long hair tickles my face slightly as he brings his face closer to mine and kisses me. his tongue gently caresses mine as I try to grow accustomed to this bold person. He uses a knee to spread my legs and I slightly yelp into one of the kisses. My face feels hot and as he continues to kiss me I find myself panting from out of breath. I place my hands over his mouth, "Wait…can't breathe…" I pant trying to catch my breath,

"I'm sorry…um did you not like-"

"Do you really thing I would have let you go so far if I didn't like it?" he laughs,

"I guess that's a fair point…sorry I'll control myself better."

"I don't mind kissing You know Edd…it's just going to take me a bit to get used to it."

"I understand." He get up from on top of me and I remove the cloth from my eyes. "By the way Emmi, You still haven't said your feelings yet." My face turns completely red at his question

"D-don't make me say it if you already know…"

"What but I said it already why can't you?!"

"It's embarrassing…"

"You think I wasn't embarrassed?! That was one of the hardest things I've had to do besides taking a gym class and you know how bad I am at that!" now he's bright red.

"Fine I'll say it…but you have to close your eyes first ok?"

"But what does my eyes being close have to do with you telling me?"

"Just do it!"

"Yes ma'am…!" he closes his eyes as I told him to do. I lean in and lightly touch my lips to his. His eyes shoot open meeting mine at close range. When I pull away his face it completely read along with the rest of his body. "I love you Edd." He falls over on the couch in total defeat,

"I swear Emmi; you are going to test my heart when I comes to endurance…"


End file.
